Do you want to ask your partner for anal sex and are not sure how to tell your partner that you want to try it?
Anal sex is something people feel strongly about. You may have:
- Never tried it and are very curious about
- Loved it
- Had a bad experience with it
Many people want to explore anal play but don't have the important safety and health information, which can lead to bad and painful experiences.
Whether if you have tried it or not, there are many myths surrounding anal sex and penetration. Before you ask your partner for anal sex, you should understand all of the anal sex myths.
Anal Sex and Penetration Myths
Myth #1: If you like anal sex, you are gay.
Fact: Anal play is a common sexual activity for people of all genders and sexual orientations -- not just gay men. In the 1960s, the Kinsey Institute found that many people of all identities and relationships enjoy anal sex as part of their regular sexual activity.
The anus is an excellent equalizer because everyone has one. The rectum and anus connect to different nerve endings than the front of the genitals which is why anal can be pleasurable.
Unfortunately, a lot of people with penises express fear about receiving anal pleasure. They feel that they aren't a "real man" if they like anal stimulation. Sadly, because of this fear, they are missing out on some amazing fun.
The fact is:
How you achieve pleasure has nothing to do with your sexual orientation or gender.
Approximately 40% of gay men enjoy anal sex. Despite the pleasure derived from anal play, anal sex is not for everyone . . . and that's OK.
Myth #2: Something is wrong with me if I like anal sex.
Fact: Anal play has huge pleasure potential, and it gets a bad rap because of taboos and stigmas.
Unfortunately, there’s a popular perception that anal sex is not for “good girls” and "good girls" definitely never initiate it. The misperception that women don’t like anal sex is not true. Some do and some don't. Either way, neither partner should be coerced into anal sex or agree to do it just for the sake of their partner.
Anal play can seem shameful and is shamed because no one talks openly about it. Besides seeing women enjoy anal play porn, it's not discussed anywhere else in mainstream society.
Unfortunately, anal sex was illegal under sodomy laws in 13 states until 2003. The Supreme Court case of Lawrence v. Texas invalidated sodomy laws in 13 states making same-sex sexual activity legal in every U.S. state and territory.
Myth #3: If you like anal play, you are weak and the submissive partner.
Fact: If you have a penis, just because you enjoy anal stimulation does not mean that you are taking on the weaker, submissive, or female role in the relationship. It simply means that you enjoy this type of pleasure.
Anal play does not have to be about submission. There also doesn’t have to be anything submissive about receiving anal stimulation.
The fact is:
Dominance and submission are about how you feel about a sexual act, not the act itself.
And while many people enjoy role-playing and experimenting with dominance and submission, you don’t have to experiment with dominance and submission when you explore anal play.
Myth #4: Anal sex hurts.
Fact: Anal sex and anal stimulation should NOT hurt if it’s done correctly. Anal play is a marathon, not a sprint. If you start off slow, use lots of lubricant, and steadily increase the number of fingers or the right size anal sex toy, this will lead to a positive and non-hurting experience.
The misconception of pain during anal play leads some to think that only people into BDSM do it. While anal sex or anal sex toys can be a fun part of BDSM play, those that are into this kind of sexual play prefer pain from impact play (spanking, whipping, caning) instead.
If anal sex and penetration do hurt, add more lube and go slower. You might not be warmed up.
See more about warming up below.
If that doesn't work, then stop. Don't force it. Pain is your body's way of telling you that something is NOT right. That's why sex educators don't love numbing creams. They do make it easy to keep going even when the lube has run dry or your body tightens up, but it’s a lot more likely that you’ll hurt yourself because you won't be able to feel any pain.
More about why it feels good below...
Myth #5: You don’t need lube for anal play.
Fact: Unlike the vagina, the anus does not lubricate itself. Therefore, lots of lube is required for comfortable and pleasurable anal sex.
We recommend using an anal lubricant.
Anal lube is thicker and protects you against harmful bacteria. Because of its thickness, anal lube has a high cushion (stays in place) and has high viscosity.
So, since anal stimulation should NOT hurt, why does anal stimulation feel so good? No matter your gender, the rectum and the anus connect to the same nerve endings that goes to the clitoris, labia, penis and scrotum. This is why anal can be pleasurable and can even help people who are struggling to have orgasms.
Anal Feels Good For Women and People with Vulvas
The anus has a lot of nerve endings and shares a wall with the vaginal cavity. So, anal penetration not only stimulates the cervix (encouraging deep orgasm), at certain angles, it also stimulates the G-spot.
Either way, the combination of stimulating the clitoris and the anus generally creates a more intense orgasm.
Anal play is an excellent option if you who can't have vaginal sex during medical treatment or if you have a yeast infection, a UTI, or vaginismus. Also, if you are on antidepressants and SSRIs, sometimes it's hard to have an orgasm during vaginal penetration. Anal stimulation is another excellent option during those times as well.
Anal Feels Good For Men and People with Prostates
Anal penetration is the most effective way to do a prostate massage and experience prostate stimulation.
The prostate is called the “male G-spot” because of the amazing pleasure that you feel during a prostate stimulation. The sensation feels like the “start of an orgasm”, but for much longer. Plus, prostate orgasms often feel bigger, more expansive, or more full-body than orgasms from penis stimulation.
Learn more about the benefits of a prostate massage here or read The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners, by anal sex expert, Charlie Glickman PhD.
How to Ask Your Partner for Anal Sex
First and foremost, trying something new with your partner in the bedroom should be consensual. Even if you’ve talked about it in the past, it’s always a good idea to check in before or during sex to see if they’re comfortable with it.
If you’ve never had the conversation before, make it obvious that you want it to try it and tell your partner. If they are game, great! If not, don't pressure them to do it. Make sure they understand all of the myths and facts above before they give their final answer. And, if the answer is a definite no, you have to accept their wishes.
Once you try it, anal sex and penetration might not be for you. That's ok. Now you don't have to focus on it and can move on.
Preparing For Anal Play
Whether you do it together as a couple or individually, explore your own anal anatomy with your fingers. Shower alone or together and use your (or your partner's) finger to gently clean around the anus. You can even use a gentle soap to clean inside the anus up to the first knuckle. You can also use an enema to thoroughly clean the anus.
Make sure that your fingernails are trimmed and clean. Another option is using gloves and adding a cotton ball at the tip for a softer experience. You can even use dark gloves if you are afraid of fecal matter. One benefit of gloves is that cleanup is easy!
As mentioned above, personal lubricant is very important in anal play.
- The anus does not produce natural lubrication like the vagina. Of course, lubrication from the vagina can lubricate the anus, but you should always add more.
- The tissues inside your anus are less elastic and more likely to get small tears.
- Lube makes anal sex feel better!
We recommend using a thicker lubricant that stays in place and provides more cushion and a barrier to any bacteria. This lubricant can also reduce irritation from friction during play. Oil-based and cream lubricants can be irritating and you should never use spit as lube. Also, use more lube than you think you need, especially in the beginning as you figure out what feels good.
Anal Play Is More Than Just Penetration.
There's more to anal play than just penetration, and penetration does not have to be your end goal. Anal play should be fun and stress-free. You should also know what you like and don’t like.
Anal play can include butt massage, finger the anus, licking in and around the opening, and spanking.
Anal play massage and warm-up
To prevent pain and make sure anal feels good for both partners, a warm-up is necessary. The goal is to get you and your muscles relaxed. When you are relaxed, everything will feel more pleasurable.
Your warm-up should include an orgasm prior to anal play. When you have an orgasm before anal play, it increases pain tolerance, gets the blood to the area for more flexibility, and you are more receptive to accepting objects for play.
An external butt massage should also be included as an anal play warm-up. Use a butt massage to create excitement for penetration. This will increase the blood flow and help you relax. A butt massage can include tickling, massaging, stroking, and licking the butt cheeks, perineum/t’aint, and anal opening. You can also use a small luxury vibrator on the perineum or anal opening.
When using your fingers, we suggest using the pad of your finger to gently touch/enter the anus.
Start small and GO SLOW.
The tissues in the vagina are more elastic than the tissues in your butt. So, when you are ready for penetration, you have to start small and work your way up to a real penis.
A person should back up into the penetrating item during initial penetration. The receiving partner is active in setting the pace for penetration and their sensory information should set the pace.
If you get your partner really excited, they won't be worrying or nervous about what will happen next. On a woman, with her permission ahead of time, try stimulating her clitoris and very slowly insert your well-lubed finger.
Once you’re warmed up, start with one fingertip. Then work your way up to a single finger, maybe your pinky finger, then multiple fingers.
After your partner is comfortable with a finger or two, you might want to try a small anal sex toy. Once you are comfortable with a sex toy, move up in size (both girth and length). Have the toy within reaching distance of wherever you’re having sex, make sure it’s clean, and bring it out when you’re craving something extra.
When you are ready, you can introduce the penis by rubbing it against the anus. First, try a little actual penetration and insert the tip, and the next time, even more, penetration until the penis is fully inside the anus.
Sex Tip: Do NOT go from anal to vaginal penetration.
Anal Play Aftercare
After anal play, you might want to head to the bathroom and clean up either with a washcloth, wipe or taking a shower. Don't sit on the toilet and squeeze the lube out. Let those muscles recover and relax.
If you discover a little bit of blood on your toilet paper, and it’s just a tiny spot and goes away after 5 minutes or so, it’s probably because there was a little too much friction. Make sure to use more lubricant next time.
Whether there’s any blood or not, you might have a stingy sensation. You can soothe that with a little bit of coconut oil or a cocoa butter salve. It’s a lot like putting lip balm on, but at the other end. Don’t use products with scents or dyes on the anus since they can cause more irritation.
If there’s more than a tiny bit of blood on the toilet paper or if it doesn’t stop within 5 minutes, that might mean that you need to get checked out by a doctor. It doesn’t happen often (especially if you’re following our tips), but it can be a serious situation. Don’t delay, and be honest with the doctor. They’ve seen it before and telling them what happened will make it easier for them to give you the care you need.
Here’s our tips for safe and pleasurable anal sex:
- Communicate: Frequently check-in with the receiver. The receiver should also give honest feedback.
- Go S L O W!
- Use thicker anal lube!
- Anal sex should not hurt...it should feel AMAZING! If it does, that means that you are not doing one of the suggestions above.
To sum up, the most important part of asking for and enjoying anal sex (or any kind of sex) with your partner is communicating with your partner. Since the biggest sex organ is the brain, once you stimulate that one, sex will always be amazing! Sharing a new experience together helps your relationship become more intimate and you end up feel closer to each other.
Top 5 Best Anal Sex Toys for Beginners
Fun Factory Bootie Butt Plug
Starts at $34.99
Fun Factory Bootie is a great anal plug for any type of user. The simple and super soft silicone butt plug offers flexibility with the necessary firmness for pleasurable anal play. The Bootie is a comfortable butt plug and is excellent for beginners. Curved for prostate pleasure (but pleasurable for those who do not have a prostate too!). Designed for men and women.
Njoy Pure Plug
The Njoy Pure Plug is an amazing butt plug if you want to try a material that you can heat up in boiling water or cool down in the freezer for a different type of sensation. It is made with 10o% medical grade stainless steel. For beginners, we suggest starting with the small Pure Plug.
Tantus Perfect Plug Kit
The Tantus Perfect Plug Kit is the perfect way to explore anal play. The kit includes 2 plugs: one for beginners and one when you are ready for vibration. Both butt plugs feature smooth silicone surfaces and are designed to not move once inserted. The vibrating plug includes a 3-speed removable waterproof vibrator.
B-Vibe Novice Butt Plug
(Free discreet shipping)
The Cadillac of beginner vibrating butt plugs, the B-Vibe Novice Plug is about the size of a finger and features a slightly tapered design, which makes it ideal for anal play beginners. With 6 different vibration levels and 15 vibration patterns, you have lots of different options to play with. This anal vibrator can be used with or without the included wireless remote control — which works from up to 30 feet away. The Novice Plug also includes a discreet case for storage and travel and is USB rechargeable so that you never have to worry about batteries.
B-Vibe Petite Rimming Butt Plug
(Free discreet shipping)
This beginners-friendly vibrating butt plug is about 40% smaller than the original and features rotating beads for an intense rimming sensation. Paired with strong vibrations from its powerful motor located in the tip, the Rimming Plug Petite caters to beginners of oral stimulation of the anus, aka analingus.