BDSM Sex Tips for Total Beginners

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BDSM, which stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadochism and Masochism comes with many misconceptions. Some believe the only people into BDSM are weird people or hardcore kinks who go to sex parties every weekend. However, most people are regular people -  just like you. While there are many people who get into BDSM communities and culture, plenty of people use BDSM as a way to explore inner fantasies and build intimacy and romantic connections with their partner. 

Getting started with BDSM and kink play can look different for everyone, but there are a few key things to keep in mind and many fun things to try!

Know your Boundaries

I once heard someone joke that if you meet a submissive who says they don’t have any boundaries, the other person should run away screaming; meaning that we all have boundaries. Sometimes we don’t know that we don’t like something until we try it. Develop a safe word for you and your partner. When you say the word, you both know the “scene” (what people in the BDSM community call a time of kinky play) will end immediately. When starting out and going forward, communication is the key to making sure you and your partner(s) feel safe and free to be your sexiest selves.

Dom/Sub Dynamics

BDSM is all about consensual power dynamics. Many people feel a pressure to pick who is the dom (dominant) and who is the sub (submissive) when they start experimenting with BDSM play. Often in BDSM, partners self-identify as dom or sub and always stay in their lane. For people who assert themselves daily in work or at home, submitting can be an incredible and freeing release of power. While we often think of the dom having control, in many ways the sub has control since they decide what they are and are not okay with. It can be very empowering. Doms get the pleasure of being dominant, bossy, commanding and so on without getting into trouble. 

While some are set in their roles, many partners switch, depending on who they’re with or the relationship. Many switch back and forth between dom and sub effortlessly, and get great pleasure from both. Your role is up to you!

Roleplay

Maybe you had a crush on your teacher as a kid and wish to be reprimanded by one as an adult. Maybe you have a fantasy of being seduced during a professional massage. Role play is a fun way to pretend to be someone you’re not, and wear all sorts of fun costumes. Whatever scenario you’re interested in, talk to your partner. Creating a shame-free zone is important when getting into BDSM. Our biases and shadows can come to the surface. Agree to hold space for each other and allow one another to be as kinky as they want to be. You may find you’re not comfortable with fulfilling your partner’s particular fantasy, and that’s okay. Just make sure you always respect each other’s desires because nothing will kill desire like disdain, shame, or embarrassment.

Experiment with the Senses

Sensory deprivation is one way to really raise the heat during BDSM play. A blindfold will make sensitivity to touch much greater. Run your fingers down your partner’s body, lick their nipples, bite their neck. Each sensation is all the more powerful when they can’t see you doing it. A hot whisper in their ear can send their body quivering. You can go even farther by using handcuffs or restraints around the wrists, which brings us to our next topic.

Bondage and Restraints

Another image that comes to mind when people think about BDSM is a person's hands tied over their head or being restrained in some way. Many couples go for bed restraints to get started. Just like the blindfold, restraining your partner removes a form of control. You can pleasure them and they can’t touch you, kiss you, or squirm too far from your touch. Outside of bed restraints, you can experiment with rope. You may tie your partner up to something or tie down their arms. 

Don’t forget Foreplay

When we start charting new territory, sometimes we forget the basics. Help yourself and your partner ease into your scene feeling relaxed and ready for pleasure by using a massage candle or massage oil. Depending on your experience level, starting the night with sensual intimate touch could be a great way to break the ice and calm any potential anxieties. 

Play from Afar

For people in long distance relationships, and especially now, with the pandemic, being intimate in person is sometimes a challenge. There are many toys created for long distance couples. Often intended for clitoral stimulation, you can download the accompanying app and touch your person from the office, an Uber, or just a few feet away. Toys like the blueMotion Wearable Vibrator  by OhMiBod, give you control to change the speed, pressure, and consistency. You can even get a 60 second recording of how you’re making your partner moan with the tap of your finger.

Paddles, Whips, and Floggers Oh My

BDSM and kink play is all about finding what makes you feel good. For many people, pain feels great… even if it’s a bit simulated. Paddles are a great start. If you want something a little more risky go with a flogger or whip. Something about being whipped with something rope-esque feels dangerous. Get your cowboy costume on and you’re really ready for action.

Next Level Play

Many people graduate from flogging and restraining quickly and long for other ways to bring each other to the edge. Elecrosex and electrostimulation/e-stim is a popular subculture of play right now. With a neon wand or other elecrosex toy, you can zap your partner to get their undivided attention. Or maybe you’re zapping yourself, and your partner is ordering you when to start and when to stop. There are so many ways to have fun with electrosex. Just make sure you read directions and test your limits slowly so no one hurts themselves.

Strapping 

Queer people are often very familiar with strap ons and dildo play as many lesbians, bisexuals, and trans people use strap ons with partners. If your male-bodied partner is up for it, you could also give them a turn to be penetrated.The Feeldoe by Tantus is a great option, because both partners get to experience pleasure. You won’t need a strap, because your body will be holding it in place. How hot is that?

Have Fun with it!

The first time you try something new, it may be a bit uncomfortable or awkward. Make sure you’re with someone you trust and can be yourself with. If something weird happens, let yourself laugh about it! Sex doesn’t always have to be ultra-seductive and serious. Remember that the core desire of trying new things in the bedroom (or wherever!) is pleasure. So allow yourself to have fun, and the more pleasure will cum.

Some final hot tips: Nothing ruins a sexy experience like a lack of lubrication. Make sure you’re stocked up on lube and keep your toys in a clean sex toy storage or bag. My Secret Luxury uses discrete shipping so you don’t have to worry about your mailman knowing your business. When there’s so many sex toys online available, why wait to feel good?

Happy playing :)

Featured Image Credit: xusenru / Pixabay