Anal sex and anal play are wonderful ways to spice things up in the bedroom! Learn all about Anal Sex 101 from a sex educator.
Anal Sex 101
There are a lot of presuppositions and myths about anal sex:
- Men want it more. It’s not pleasurable for her. Everyone’s doing it apart from you.
- There’s no such thing as an anal orgasm.
- And many more.
These are demonstrably untrue; all they do is expose the fact that people don’t talk about anal sex well enough, because it’s still relatively taboo in mainstream conversation.
But why should this be?
As part of a loving relationship, or even as part of a brief and hot encounter, anal sex has a lot to offer. Not to mention, the relative taboo nature of anal is part of its appeal for many participants.
Who Has Anal Sex?
Everyone! Straight, gay, men, women, couples, and singles.
In a person with a penis, penetration stimulates the prostate, which can result in a deeper, more intense and longer-lasting P-spot orgasms. To stimulate the prostate, put a finger in and bend toward the stomach.
In a person with a vulva, the clitoris is estimated to have 8000 sensory nerve endings and some of those nerve endings reach as far as the anus. In addition to the shared connection of sensory nerves, a thin membrane is all that separates the vaginal cavity from the rectal cavity. Therefore, direct stimulation of the G-spot or clitoris during anal sex helps some women achieve orgasm.
How To Ask For Anal Sex
Some people might find it tricky to ask their partner to try anal sex. Here's a few tips:
If you have a vulva...
When you decide you’re ready to receive anal sex, you need to be in control of it from start to finish. That means you need to make it obvious that you want it, because he might be too uncertain to initiate it without your express permission.
The easiest way to tell him you want anal is, well, to tell him you want anal. Many men aren’t so good at picking up dropped hints or reading the subtlety of your body language, so telling him directly and explicitly that you want it is the only fail-safe approach.
Note: telling him very explicitly that you want anal while you’re already having sex with him will have the best results. That’s like a golden ticket for most guys.
There are alternative ways to start anal sex, though. or emailing him your desires will let him know your intentions long in advance, but this has two drawbacks: one, you may no longer be in the mood when it comes to it, and two, he might think that’s all you want, so he’ll focus on that and leave the rest of your body wanting.
A sexier approach to telling him you want anal sex is not to tell him, but to show him. Let him watch you play alone, perhaps with a small vibe or even a plug, and put it everywhere you want him. It’ll drive him crazy, and you’ll certainly get what you want, where you want it.
If you have a penis...
Does anal sex hurt?
Yes, very often it does, even if it doesn’t hurt for long.
But is anal sex pleasurable?
Yes, potentially. But you need to approach it… sensitively. If she hasn’t initiated it or made it obvious that she’s open to anal sex, or if you’re not 100% sure she’s given you the green light, then you need to make sure it’s ok before you try, otherwise it’ll be a while before you can try again.
So exactly as above, there are several options available: tell her directly during sex or foreplay, tell her beforehand via text or email, or show her what you want by paying her butt some extra attention during foreplay and gauging her reaction.
There is a slightly more adventurous way to initiate anal sex, providing you are having sex already. Find a comfortable position – we suggest a kind of spooning position, with her laying on her side with her back to you, and you behind her. This position is good because it’s comfy, all of her bodyweight is supported and her muscles are relaxed. Then pull out of her and rub yourself against her butt. She’ll quickly acknowledge whether it’s ok or not without having to break the mood.
But remember, there are no shortcuts and nothing beats good, honest – and does count as good communication.
Anal Play Do's And Don'ts
Anal play doesn't have to involve penetration. Everyone thinks that anal play involves penetration, but it doesn’t have to. One can touch the anal opening with a finger while masturbating or stimulating their partner’s anus during intercourse or oral sex. The outside of the anus has many extra sensitive nerve endings. Touch or rubbing it, will feel very good.
Anal play should NEVER hurt, if done properly. Everyone has 2 sphincters: the outside sphincter, which you control and the inside sphincter which is further inside your body and you have less control of. Pain occurs when the partner does not wait for these muscles to relax.
It does NOT make straight men gay. Sexual orientation is about who you do the act with not what kind of act you do. Many men enjoy the insertion of a vibrator or dildo beyond the anal opening and short anal canal into the larger rectum. Read more about what is a prostate massage and it's benefits.
His erection may get softer with anal penetration. That’s quite common since the pelvic floor muscles need to relax to allow an object to go inside.
Oral anal sex is called rimming. If you enjoy this, you are not a dirty person. However, please be sure to use a dental dam, a latex barrier between your mouth and anus, to stay safe.
Pegging is pleasureable for some men. Pegging is when a woman penetrates a man’s anus usually while wearing a strap-on dildo with a harness. Couples use pegging as sexual play to experiment with dominance and submission.
Anal Play Tips
While there are those rare times that, like stars aligning, the mood will strike both of you simultaneously and you’ll have the most incredible and satisfying anal sex imaginable, usually there is some preparation required. Remember that if you’re receiving anal sex, you need to be in control of it, to whatever degree you want. You will need to control the speed and he will need to listen to you, otherwise it will be uncomfortable and it will stop. The opportunity might be lost until some trust can be rebuilt. Here are three things to try to help make anal sex better.
- Lube. You probably already know that lube or a high-quality intimate moisturizer is essential for anal sex. The more the better. Apply enough to squeeze a manatee through a letterbox, and then apply more. The more lube involved, the more pleasurable it will be for both of you. It’s as simple as that.
- Condoms. Condoms are great for anal, and not only because they enhance your sexual safety. Condoms actually make anal sex better because their smoothness responds better to lube than skin does. Condoms glide easier, and as a result are more comfortable. What’s more, they can help prevent him climaxing too soon too.
- Anal Toys. Introducing some anal toys like a butt plug or vibrating prostate massager can help ease the transition into anal sex, and by using toys of increasing size during foreplay you’ll find it much easier when his turn comes. Then, try stimulating your clit with a small external vibrator while you’re having sex to double the intensity of the sensations and build up to a really fulfilling orgasm.
How To Have Great Anal Sex
- Genuinely want it - It's your body and your rules. Period.
- Relax your body
- Go slow
- Start small
- Use a lot of (thicker) anal lubricant
- Listen to your body
- Listen to your partner
- Never go from anal play to vaginal or oral play without changing condoms or washing up
- Always wear a condom. The anal cavity easily tears and you are at the highest risk for STIs.
- Go to the bathroom a few hours beforehand.
What Is The Best Anal Toy?
The best anal toy for beginners is:
- Small and slender (then work your way up)
- Smooth surface
- Vibration is fun and helps to relax
What Are the Different Types of Luxury Anal Toys?
Luxury dildos can be used as anal toys so long as they have a flared base. They are meant to move back and forth to achieve orgasm, but are not hands free. Dildos can be used with a hand or a harness. (If using a harness, make sure it is at least six inches long and has a flared base so that it stays put in the harness ring.)They are available in a wide variety of sizes, materials, textures, and colors.
Smoother dildos are best for anal play. For beginners, silicone dildos are recommended since they are more flexible.
Butt plugs are meant to stay put thanks to the anal muscles gripping the neck of the toy. These anal toys create a sensation of fullness without having to move it back-and-forth. They have a small narrow neck that expands to a flared base. During orgasm, anal muscles contract along with the muscles of the vagina or penis. Therefore, plugs intensify pleasure. Since the wall between the vagina and rectum is thin, many women like to use plugs during sex.
Butt plug sizes range from about the size of a pinky finger to a fist and are available in silicone, glass, stone, and metal.
Anal beads are a string of beads that graduate in size and are pulled out when close to orgasm. They stimulate the anal opening as it opens and closes around each bead. This feeling can induce orgasm or the removal of beads during orgasm makes the orgasm even better.
Prostate Massagers and Stimulators
These sex toys for men are specifically designed to massage the prostate. Some prostrate massagers vibrate for an added sensation.
Anal sex and anal play are wonderful ways to spice things up in the bedroom! Why? It feels good! This area of the body is rich with sensory nerve endings and pleasure points, which can lead to incredible orgasms.
Anal sex is a common sexual activity for people of all genders and sexualities. Anal play and penetration can be pleasurable for everyone! So, if you are ready to explore anal play, we hope you now have all of the important health and safety information you need for a pleasurable experience.